The Wizards of Hogs
by Tiger-Cub684
Summary: When McGonagall foils a prank and the Marauders lose all their best stuff, they will have to make their way through the magical land of Oz to get back home in one piece. A Wizard of Oz parody.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello people out there. This is another joint project of me, Tiger-Cub684 and my friend discombobulated.shoe. If you have not yet read our other work, the Marauder Advice Thingy, I suggest you do so. you will find it from discombobs' profile page. This chapter was written by me, but the next one will be the work of discombob. I hope you all enjoy it, and please remember to Read and Review. **

**Tiger-Cub684 **

**Disclaimer: The devilshly handsome characters in this fic are the product of J.K.Rowling and no-one else. I could never come up with someone so hot.**

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**Wizzards Of Hogs**

Chapter 1

James lay there, on the grass, being warmed by the morning sun, thinking about many things. James was a thinker. As much as he loved to pull pranks with his mates, especially when they involved making Snape look like the greasy rat he is, James still liked to take time away from Sirius and the others, so he could have time to think.

At this time, James was thinking about his favourite topic. Lily Evans. Ever since he had first laid eyes on her, on the Hogwarts Express right before First Year, he had adored her. But for some reason, unbeknown to him, every time he had asked her out, she had always rejected him. These days, all she ever did was give him the look a said 'what do you think, idiot!' It was not a good look.

'_I just don't understand it'_. James thought. '_All the other girls would kill to go out with me, and why shouldn't they, but I just can't get the one girl I really want; Lily_.'

"Oi, James." Cried a voice, rudely bringing James back from his thoughts.

"What is it Sirius?" he asked, sad that his 'thinking time' was over.

"We got Quidditch practice in ten minutes, you'd better get ready!" replied an excited Sirius. Just thought of flying up high in the air, leaving all his troubles on the ground, made Sirius' blood tingle with anticipation.

"Alright, coming," Said James, getting up.

"I hear Evans might be watching today." Said Sirius.

"Then what are we waiting for!" exclaimed James, suddenly excited, "Lets go!"

* * *

Flying through the air, James was in his element. He loved Quidditch. It was his favourite thing, after Lily. As a Seeker, James always felt like the most important person on the field. On of the best things about Quidditch, was that he got to play alongside his best mate Sirius. They had been friends since the first day of First Year. They were so close that Sirius even spent most summers staying with James. Because of the whole thing with Sirius' family, he barely ever stayed with them if he could help it. Sirius hated his family. 

As it turned out, Lily did not come to watch the Gryffindor team practice. Maybe Sirius had just said that to make him feel better. James needed it after what had happened.

It was terrible, someone had posted pictures of Lily's underwear all over the school, with the words "James Potter was here" scrawled all over it. He had been framed. James considered Lily a Goddess, and would have been the last person to do such a thing. It was blasphemy. But that was not the way Lily saw it. She did not believe his pleas of innocence for one second. It was well known that James and Sirius liked to pull pranks, but this was stupid. It was child's play. They had moved on from embarrassing pictures back in the Second Year. This was an insult to their work. Because of this incident, Lily now refused to even look at James directly. Things had never been worse.

But that was unimportant for now. Now was the time for Quidditch. Not for problems. As the team's unofficial code stated, "_Leave all your problems and worries on the ground. There is no place for them in the sky_".

Sirius was worried. His best friend had been feeling down all week because of the Incident. He swore that if he ever found who had put those pictures up, he would beat the magic out of him. That and make him tell Sirius how he had gotten into Lily's underwear drawer without being noticed, just for future reference.

Sirius was so distracted, that he was almost knocked off his broom by a bludger. He only managed to hit it away at the last minute.

'_So that's why we're supposed to follow the code' _he thought.

* * *

The cackling of the common room fire always calmed Remus. He wasn't sure why, but there was nothing as relaxing as settling down with a good book, on one of the comfy couches, in front of the Gryffindor fire. Remus always did this when James and Sirius were at Quidditch practice. They thought he was doing homework, but he had done it all ages ago. The only reason he didn't tell them this was so they didn't make him sit out there, in the cold rain, and watch them, as they often did with Peter. 

At this point, Peter was playing exploding snap with a second year, and loosing. Not that it mattered. All Remus cared about at this point was that he had a couple hours of peace to read without Sirius always bugging him for History notes.

He heard the portrait swing open, followed by the cheery voices of his friends.

'_Oh well'_ he sighed, _'It's a shame how quickly time flies when I read'_

* * *

"Okay men, here's the plan" Sirius started, his voice full of excitement, as it always is when he is unveiling a new plot of mischief, "In one hour, I repeat, one hour, we will leave this dormitory with…" 

"My invisibility cloak and my broom" Said James

"The Map and the trap spell" Said Remus,

"My shoes!" Cried Peter.

"Err, alright, good, we have everything." Started Sirius, "When we leave the dorm with all those things, we then put on the cloak and go down into the entrance hall and outside. From there we use the map to find ourselves directly outside the Gryffindor girl's dormitories. Then James, you take the trap spell and the cloak, get on your broom and fly up to Lily's dorm's window. You then sneak inside, and plant the trap spell in her underwear draw, sneak back out, fly to us and then we sneak back to our dorms before anyone notices we were gone. Very simple."

"Just one question" inquired Remus, "what's the point to all this, I mean, surely there's another way to clear our names?"

"What are you talking about Moony? This is the only way. The fact that we have to sneak around invisible is just an added bonus." Said Sirius, matter-of-factly

"So their no chance of just sneaking upstairs and planting the spell then, instead of all this flying?" Remus asked carefully

"NO" shouted Sirius

"Just asking" said Remus in a small voice.

* * *

It was midnight. The marauders had set out as planned, and were crossing the common room as Remus asked, 

"Wouldn't Lily prefer if we just stayed out of her underwear draw?"

"You've got a point there" said James

"What, of course not, I'm sure Lily would be honoured that we, the great marauders, are taking pity in her loss and are helping her out" said Sirius, trying to win back James

"Oh yea, I guess so" he agreed

"It would be in your best interests never to tell her about all this James, if you do eventually go out with her" said Peter, saying the smartest thing that had ever left his pale lips.

"Your probably right Petey ol' pal" commented James, dumbstruck of Peter's sudden wisdom.

* * *

It wasn't long until the Marauders expertly reached the large doors in the entrance hall, having followed their beloved map to keep away from anyone else strolling the corridors that night. They were about to open the doors when an unwanted figure came ambling towards them on the map. 

"Oh no! Professor McGonagall! Don't move!" said James, in a furious whisper.

Sure enough, Professor McGonagall walked into the Main Hall just moments later. She scanned the room with her hawk-like eyes, and was about to turn and leave when…

"ACHOO!"

She spun around.

"Who's there! I demand to know who is there!" she shouted, her voice echoing off the walls.

She stared directly at the boys, making Sirius doubt wether they were still invisible.

"Professor!" shouted a voice from the corridor.

Filtch soon entered the icy room.

"Professor, there's a pair of Ravenclaw's missing from their dorms, Artimus Julay and Katrina Snub." He spat out in urgency.

"Well what are you waiting for, we must find them!" replied Professor McGonagall, chasing after Filtch down the corridor.

Moments later…

"Pete you are so dead! You almost got us caught!" exclaimed Sirius

"I'm sorry, I'm allergic to her" cried Peter

"Allergic to McGonagall, what a pathetic excuse!" shouted James

"Guys, we're running out of time, do you want to fly up to Lily's dorm or not!" asked Remus, hoping to move things along.

"Fine, let's go" said James, and the boys opened the door and ran out side.

* * *

The rest of the mission went off without a hitch. After locating Lily's dorm on the map, James flew up to the window with the cloak and the trap spell. He successfully snuck into her dorm and placed the spell in her underwear draw and managed to get back outside, resisting the temptation to watch her sleep. They had just snuck back into the entrance hall and closed the door when… 

"Well, look what we have here…"

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**I hate cliffhangers as much as the next person, especially when the person who's supposed to write the next chapter is very easily distracted and will likely take forever. But with luck it will be here before we all die of old age. I hope you liked the chapter, and please stick around for the next one, when is comes. R&R.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: Hello whoever may be reading this. Welcome to the second chapter of The Wizards of Hogs. It's been a while on the update, but thats what heppens when your co-author is stuck in a bottomless pit of school work. But now we can rejoice over the fact that now it is the holidays and there is much time for writing. **

**This chapter was completely written by discombobulated.shoe so if you would kindly adress her with much praise. **

**Well, looks like it's my turn next. I guess I'd better start the next chapter. Please Read and Review. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned the maraduers, i would be living it up in LA, with my stretch limo and hot male models all around me...Oh well, i suppose this life is good too. **

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Chapter Two

"Well look at what we have here…"

James took a moment to consider the caretaker before him and decided that Filch's smile was by far more sinister than his scowl. His scowl, he figured, meant you'd gotten away with something but his smile meant you'd been caught, and would very soon wish you'd never been born.

"Erm… well…" James stuttered, at an uncharacteristic loss for words, "Oh! Look behind you!"

Filch turned suddenly and though it seemed he'd just fallen for the oldest trick in the book it turned out it wasn't so effective when there really was something behind him. Especially something monstrous, like Professor McGonagall for instance.

"I am _appalled_ that _four_ members of _my own_ house should be found wandering the school at such an _indecent_ hour of the night." McGonagall pursed her lips and glared at them in turn. "And in such suspicious circumstances!" She added frowning at James' broom. He immediately hid it behind his back as if to protect it and caught himself wondering _why the hell_ they weren't invisible right now.

"What's that piece of parchment in your hand Mr. Lupin? I am _particularly_ disappointed in _you_; I thought you'd have more sense than to involve yourself in something such as this."

James watched as Remus withered under McGonagall's withering gaze and handed over the, fortunately disguised, Marauders Map.

"Mr. Black, what suspicious items may I find on _your_ person? Turn out your pockets."

Sirius did so and revealed about a dozen or so dungbombs, which made James wonder if perhaps Sirius _slept_ with a pocket full of dungbombs; he never seemed to run out of them.

"I thought as much," said McGonagall handing the dungbombs to Filch. She then turned to Peter and after his pockets revealed nothing, she decided his shoes looked much too dangerous to remain in his possession.

"What are you going to do with our stuff?" inquired Peter, his voice shaking as he looked forlornly at his shoeless feet.

"I am taking them to the Headmaster, you can consider them confiscated Mr. Pettigrew." McGonagall said icily before turning to James. "Hand over your broom Mr. Potter."

James' eyes widened. "What!? But Professor! This can't be necessary! My broom has nothing to do with it! It's innocent I tell you! What about Quidditch? Think of how pompous Slytherin will be if they win this year! They don't deserve the Cup Professor! _Please!_" James cried clutching his broom to his chest.

"Mr. Potter I'm sure the confiscation of your broomstick won't deplete Gryffindor's chance at winning the Quidditch Cup. I haven't banned you from Quidditch, you'll just have to make do with one of the school brooms."

"The school brooms are a bloody disgrace and you know it Professor. This is one of the new Nimbus models! Flies like a bird she does. Better even. You can't be doing this!"

"I can assure you I am Mr. Potter--"

Professor McGonagall was interrupted by a loud bang and the most god-awful smell ever to have attacked an innocent nose. James grinned; Sirius' never-ending supply of dungbombs was _very_ useful indeed. He grabbed Peter's arm as Sirius grabbed Remus' and they all bolted for the Gryffindor common room.

--

Sirius sat guiltily as James paced the floor in front of him.

"Sirius, you had the cloak, can you kindly explain why we were invisible on the way up to Lily's dormitory but not on the way back to ours?"

"Well, you see mate, the thing about that is, I'm pretty sure I _accidentally_ left it in the Girl's Dorm--"

"You WHAT!" James exclaimed.

"I said: I think I accidentally left--"

"I _know_ what you said! I'm just _appalled_ that it's actually true!"

Sirius looked at his best friend seriously, "Prongsie mate, you're scaring me; you sounded like McGonagall just then."

"I don't think you understand what this means." James said in disbelief.

"It means," said Remus matter-of-factly, "That Lily now has a trap spell in her underwear draw, James' cloak in her dormitory and plenty of evidence to support the rumour that James has been rummaging around in her underthings."

Sirius blinked and James groaned and thumped his head on the nearest book he could find.

Remus ignored the book abuse and continued, "It also means, that I was right--"

James groaned again. "That's it. I'm going to throw myself out a window now." He said and ran towards the stairs that lead up to the dormitories. The only problem was, they were the wrong dormitories.

"Er… James those are the _girls_ dormitories." Peter said before James feet gave out under him and the stairs he was running up turned into a massive stone slide.

There was a resounding crack as James' head hit the leg of an inconveniently placed table.

"Ouch." Peter winced as he hurried to join the other two boys who were leaning concernedly over James' unconscious form.

--

James sat up and rubbed his head unconsciously ruffling his much ruffled hair. He sat up and with one look at the clashing colours that surrounded him he clutched his Nimbus, which had been sitting on the ground next to him, protectively to his chest. "I don't think we're in Hogwarts anymore Nimbo." He said quietly.

"Potter!"

James uttered a small scream and managed to jump about three feet in the air and land firmly on his two feet facing a most beautiful and terrifying sight.

Lily Evans glared at him. "You arrogant, self-cantered twat!" she exclaimed. "How much more selfish can you get?"

"Err…" James blinked dumbly at her for a moment having been preoccupied with her massive pink dress that made her look remarkably like a giant marshmallow. A giant marshmallow with firey red hair and dreamy green eyes that seemed to say 'you are _so_ dead Potter.'

"Landing that castle so unceremoniously and rudely on the Wicked Squib of the East!"

"Um… _what?_" James was now thoroughly confused, he turned around and gaped at what he saw. Hogwarts castle was planted firmly on what appeared to be Filch; though he wasn't sure as all he could see of the caretaker were his legs and a pair of startling ruby red slippers.

Lily rolled her eyes at him, "Honestly, don't you know anything? _I_ am the Good Witch of the North and _you_ have just killed the Wicked Squib of the East." She jerked her thumb in the direction of the recently flattened Filch.

"It's all right, you can come out now." She said in a louder and kinder voice.

A swarm of house elves marched out of various cupboards and started singing at the top of their squeaky voices. "_Ding dong the squib is dead! Which old squib? The Wicked Squib! Ding dong the Wicked Squib is dead!_" When their sudden onslaught of singing had ended Lily turned to him expectantly.

"Uh…" He said begging his brain for the appropriate thing to say. "You're welcome?"

Lily put her hands on her hips and he steeled himself for another verbal bashing, "_You're welcome? _You should be sorry! Now the Wicked Witch of the West is going to come looking for revenge!"

As if on cue there was a puff of smoke and Professor McGonagall appeared. The house elves all ran back for the cover of their respective cupboards screaming "The Wicked Witch of the West!" in pure terror.

McGonagall took a few steps towards Filch and turned to Lily and James, her pursed lips making a pale line across her face.

"Mr Potter, are you aware that there's a dead squib under this here castle?"

"Professor, I don't think that's a fair question!" James protested, "I only just found out a few minutes ago!"

"Or so you say. Now Mr Potter, don't lie to me, where are the shoes?"

"Um… What shoes?"

"The ruby red slippers!" She demanded irritably.

Lily let out a sudden laugh and they both turned to her. She grinned at them and pointed at James' feet. They all looked down. The much desired footwear had appeared by magic in place of James' own school shoes. He cringed. They had heels; he might have been able to tolerate it if they hadn't had _heels_. He wondered what Filch was doing with them in the first place.

McGonagall glared at them in turn. "This isn't over Potter," she said, "I'll get you, and your little broomstick too!" And with that she disappeared in yet another puff of smoke.

James blinked three times exactly before looking over at Lily and saying, "What now?"

"The Wizard of course!" She exclaimed, "You should go straight to the Wizard of Hogs and tell him all about it. He'll wan't to hear of this."

"Will he?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, how do I, uh, find him?"

"Follow the yellow brick road! It will lead you straight to him."

"There's a road leading to him? How convenient."

The house elves all scurried out of their hiding places and swarmed around him chanting, "Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!" James twisted around beating off elves with his broom and trying not the trip on his new shoes. "Lily!" He called, "Don't I get a goodbye kiss?"

"Just follow the damn road Potter," she said before disappearing in a flurry of house elves.

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**If you are reading this then you have just finished the above chapter. Good for you! Here, have a cookie! Now, if you liked the chapter, or even if you have constructive critizem, feel free to leave a review and make my day. I'll just sit here and wait. **

**Onward, to chapter 3!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n: Chapter 3, wherein James has trouble with his heels, he meets someone strabgly familiar and is hungry for corn. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, never owned it. Excapt the corn. I OWN ALL CORN! **

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Chapter 3

James had been walking down the sunny road for a good hour. The glare of the sun was reflecting off the annoyingly shiny yellow bricks and was starting to blind him. And, not to mention, the red heels were killing him.

Suddenly, a rouge pebble appeared and James landed face-first, once again, on the obnoxious yellow brick road.

"How in the name of Merlin to girls walk in these things?!"

James tried desperately to pull off the damn shoes for the fifth time in an hour, but no-matter what he did, they stayed put.

"Damn you shoes! Why did the castle have to land on the Squib?"

Defeated, James got up and continued walking down the road.

"When will I get to this damn Wizard? Surly there's an easier way, I mean, _I'm_ a wizard! Why do I have to go all the way to some random old guy somewhere far away? And now it's making me talk to myself. I am not going crazy; it's the road! Stupid yellow bricks!"

Suddenly he noticed that he was right next to a cornfield.

"Whoa, that thing just came out of no-where! Oh well, I _am_ hungry."

James walked over to the cornfield and tried to pull off an ear. Surprisingly, it was firmly stuck and would not come off. He tried another, and another, but all the corn stayed where it was.

"What is this? Paris? Come on, I want corn!"

Suddenly a black crow swooped out of the sky and plucked the ear of corn that James was trying to get.

"Okay, now this is just unfair! Give that back, I saw it first!"

"Go away!" Cried a voice from behind the corn plants.

James jumped over the fence and pushed his way through the corn to find himself in a clearing with a boy-scarecrow tied to some sticks, feebly trying to scare away a murder of crows.

"Go away you stupid birds!" Cried the scarecrow.

'_This boy looks a little like Peter.'_ Thought James.

"Gahh! Get off my head, I need my hair to live!"

'_Exactly like Peter!'_ He thought, "Hey, do you need help?"

"Yes, these crows won't leave me alone!" Cried out the scarecrow.

"Maybe I can help." James got out his wand and aimed it at the birds. A blast of fire shot from his wand, sending all the crows scattering away in many different directions, faster than the school train. A couple had scorched tail feathers.

"Lucky you didn't kill one; its bad luck." Said the Peter Scarecrow, matter-of-factly.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Asked James.

"Protecting the corn. What else?"

"Ookay… Um, so, do you like being a scarecrow?"

"Oh yeah, it's great fun. I stand here all day, shoo away crows, that kind of thing. Lots of fun!"

'Hmmm, sure sounds like it. So, I have to go see this old Wizard guy. Wanna come?"

"The Wizard of Hogs? Sure, but I can't get down from here."

"No problem." James got out his wand again and vanished the ropes. The Scarecrow hopped down and landed shakily on his bare feet.

"Oh yes, I forgot. I need shoes. Without shoes I will die."

"Sure you will," said James sceptically.

Scarecrow-Peter eyed James' red heels.

"I'd give you these, but I can't get them off." Said James.

"Oh okay," said Scarecrow- Peter, sadly.

"Maybe the Wizard will give you shoes?" James suggested.

"Oh, maybe he will!" Scarecrow-Peter lightened up.

James led Scarecrow-Peter out of the cornfield and back onto the Yellow Brick Road.

"Who put you up on those sticks anyway?" Asked James.

"It was the Tin Man. He said I had to guard the corn."

"Sounds like someone I know." Said James, thinking of the time Sirius made Peter guard a jar of Honey while the rest of them went on a big prank. "Okay, well, lets go then."

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Hogs!" Sang Peter loudly and very much off-key.

"Scarecrow?" Said James.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

And James and Scarecrow-Peter hopped off along the road, James stumbling every few steps because of his damn shoes, and Peter copying him because he wanted to be cool. But the road ahead would not be as happy and carefree.

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**What fun. Now the ball is in discombobulated.shoe's court. lets hope she doesn't take 2 MONTHS like last time. Now that it is holidays, she nas no excuses. **

**As always, i hopes you peoples liked this chapter. And thank you to Lucillia. It's nice to have a good review. Always good to have a fan. **

**Please read and review, and also, no flames please. I don't care what i might have said on the last chapter. Keep all critizem constructive or you will SUFFER THE WRATH OF MOONY! sorry, i couldn't help myself. (see The Marauders Advice Thingy for more details on the Wrath of Moony)**

**Bye everyone, and please have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: Chapter 4, wherein Peter as annoying (as usual), James falls on his face (as usual) and we meet the Tin Man (err...as usual too, i think)**

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Chapter 4

"… So then this other crow came at me and I could just tell it wanted to eat all the corn! So I waved my arms at it, and it squawked at me, and I yelled at it, and it squawked at me again before starting to eat all the corn! I would have gotten down and chased it away but I couldn't because I was all attached to that pole thing! How am I supposed to scare crows if I can't move?"

James rolled his eyes and just barely resisted the urge to cover his ears with his hands and run away screaming. After three hours of non-stop chatter from Scarecrow-Peter he knew why it was all scarecrows didn't talk. It was just _so bloody annoying. _If he could cut off his ears, he most certainly would.

"… And it was all because I didn't have my shoes on! They were my favourite shoes you know, they were black and had shoelaces. Do you know that _every_ shoe I've _ever_ seen has had shoelaces? I mean, not the sandals and slippers, but they aren't shoes. Well, I mean, they're shoes of course, but the aren't _shoe_ shoes, do you know what I mean?"

"I have _no idea _what you mean." James said helplessly. The scarecrow didn't seem to notice and continued to slowly drive James insane with his incessant babble.

About an hour or so ago they had left the never-ending sea of cornfields and entered a sort of forest. Yet the yellow brick road meandered onwards and James was wondering how many times his shoes had caused him to fall over his own feet since he set off on his journey, about one hundred and thirty seven by his count.

'_Oomph_,' thought James as he found himself face first on the yellow bricks yet again, _'make that one hundred and thirty eight.'_

James picked himself up and stared in slack-jawed amazement as Scarecrow-Peter continued to list every shoe he had ever laid eyes on and describe it in great, mind-numbing detail without pausing once for breath.

"…Well there was this one pair shoes someone had taken the laces out of, I don't know why, what good are shoelaces without shoes to lace? Maybe they lost their shoelaces and decided to replace them with someone else's! Or maybe the shoes I saw were _their_ shoes that they'd lost the laces of. It's really amazing you know, all this stuff that people disregard as unimportant just links to all these other people we've never met! It's amazing. And you know those shoes I was talking about? They were _gone the next day!_ I bet there's a really long and interesting story to go with that. I wonder what it is? Maybe there was a giraffe…"

'_I'm dying,'_ James thought_, 'Oh God, I'm dying. I will soon be dead.'_

"Hey Look! What's that? Over there! Be quiet for _one_ _bloody moment_ whilst you look for what I'm pointing at! Just please, oh God _please_ don't say anything." James said thrusting his pointing hand towards nowhere in particular in desperation.

"What? What's that? What do you see? Where? Where is it James? Did I miss it? Oh, I hope not. What if it was a shoe? James, was it a shoe? Did it have shoelaces? Yes? No? What? Where is it James I don't see anything? Unless you meant that tin man over there, but he isn't wearing any shoes. Did you mean the tin man? And does tin feet count as shoes? Or does he need to have something _over_ the tin feet? But he wouldn't really need to would he? Would he?"

"SHUT UP!" James cried before turning around and marching towards the tin man, his heels click-clacking on the bricks. He remembered vaguely that Scarecrow had mentioned something about a Tin Man telling him to guard the cornfields, and was wondering if perhaps this was the tin man he'd been talking about.

"You! I have issues to sort out with you," James fumed, "If you hadn't told that bloody scarecrow to guard that corn he wouldn't be _following me around talking my ears off!_"

"Muhmmhhrm? Hffhfmmmrrmh!" Replied the Tin Man indignantly.

"What?" James frowned in confusion, _what the hell?_ He thought, _is everyone here insane but me?_

"Uhh… James?" Asked Scarecrow-Peter tentatively.

"No. Be quiet. I don't want to hear it. You have _no idea_ how much I do not want to hear it."

Scarecrow-Peter thrust an oilcan in front of James' face. "He's all rusty." He said.

"_What?"_

"Well he's made of tin right? Right. So when it rains he goes all rusty, like other tin things. And because he's all rusty he can't speak. Because of, you know, all the rust. I saw some rust the other day you know? I did. It was really rusty. Who would have guessed? I wonder where it came from? It was probably this flying doorbell…"

James grabbed the oilcan from the scarecrow's hands and poured its entire contents over the tin man's head.

"Yuck. I have oil in my mouth. Yuck, yuck, _yuck!" _cried the tin man spitting vehemently on the ground around him.

"Hey tin man, what's your name?" asked James, he had a nagging feeling he'd seen the man before, he just couldn't place where, "do I know you?"

"My name is Tin Man."

"_Tin Man?"_

"Yeah, don't you just hate parents?"

James suddenly realised why the tin man had seemed so familiar; he was remarkably like Sirius.

"Hi! My name's Scarecrow!" Peter piped up from behind James.

"Oh bugger, not _you_ again." Tin-Sirius said irritably.

"Hey! That's mean," Scarecrow-Peter protested, "you're so heartless!"

"So? Do I look like I give a damn? Shut it or I'll light your hay on fire."

The scarecrow immediately quieted. _This could come in handy_, James thought.

"Hey! Tin Man, why don't you tag along? We're going to see the Wizard of Hogs."

Tin-Sirius shrugged, "Fine, s'not like I have anything better to do."

Peter brightened, "Hey! I know a song about that! We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Hogs! Because, because, because, because, because! Because of the wonderful things he does! If ever there ever a wiz there was the wizard of Hogs is one because--"

"SHUT UP!" cried James and Tin-Sirius at the same time.

Scarecrow-Peter shut up.

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**Hello readers! That was discombobulated.shoe's chapter, so i hope you all enjoyed it. Sorry it took so long to update. Shoe is a dedicated procrastinator and is easily distracted, unlike m- hey! look, it's a bird!**

**anyway, please Read and Review! it would be so lovely if you did. I'd really rather not beg, but if its the only way...please please please R&R!!!!**

**thanks either way, and i hope to see you all soo- err, eventually, on the next chapter. **

**See ya**

** - Tiger-Cub684**


	5. Chapter 5

A/n: **_enter, chapter 5, where it ain't Lions and Tigers and Bears. _**

**_Disclaimer: if i owned it all, i wouldn't need to be writing this, well would it?_**

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So the trio continued down the path, off to see the Wizard. Scarecrow-Peter was unsuccessfully skipping and humming some copyrighted tune, while Tin Man–Sirius and James talked about the adventure so far.

"…And then the most beautiful girl I ever met came, dressed as the Good Witch of the North and – "

"Who? Good Witch Lily? I know her. Me and her had it off a couple of times."

James was stunned. "What? No, you couldn't…but in my world – "

"Just kidding. Although I've always wondered what it would be like to…you know…with her."

"You pick up a lot of girls…like that?"

"What? As a Tin Man? 'Course. The ladies love the way I shine in the sunlight. The only problem is if they kiss me in winter, they can get stuck. I don't mind, but it seems to ruin the mood."

James was relieved. "Oh. Ok."

Tin Man suddenly pulled out a bottle firewhiskey from nowhere and started drinking.

"Where'd you get that?" asked James.

"Don't know. But things always seem to appear when I need them. It's quite useful."

"And you have no idea why?"

"Well, actually, I'm sleeping with the writer."

"Oh. Makes sense. Do you have another of those firewhiskeys?"

"Well, I was going to save it to throw at the scarecrow, but…you can have it."

"Cheers."

Suddenly, a growl came from the forest, where they were suddenly walking through.

"Oh crap," said Sirius.

"What the hell was that?" asked James.

"I dunno, but this forest it full of dangerous creatures," said Peter, with shifty eyes, "Werewolves, and Dragons and Pixies…Werewolves and Dragons and Pixies…Werewolves and –"

"Shut up Scarecrow," said Sirius.

James and Sirius stood, frozen, listening to the wild growl. James' broom, which had been flying behind them the whole time, bumped into James causing him to jump, only now remembering that he still had it.

"Oh, Nimbo. I completely forgot about you." The broom continued to hover. "Ok, now, go into the forest and find out what's growling." The broom didn't move. "Go on."

So the broomstick flew off into the forest, in the direction of the mysterious growling.

"Somewhere, over the rainbow –" sang the Scarecrow.

"For the love of Merlin, shut your trap before I do it for you!" shouted a frustrated Tin Man.

"I was only trying to lighten the mood," said Scarecrow.

Tin Man shook his head in disappointment.

The growling got closer and Nimbo zoomed out of the forest and hid behind James.

"What did you see Nimbo? Was it a dragon? Or a Pixie? Or a – "

"Werewolf!" cried Scarecrow, and a large, brown, furry wolf stepped on the Yellow Brick Road.

"Ah!" cried Tin Man, also hiding behind James. Scarecrow squealed and curled up in the foetal position.

"What are you people screaming about?" asked the Werewolf.

"Ah…you. Why are you not attacking us?" James asked.

"I'm not really into the whole 'attacking random people' thing. It's too much a hassle and leaves too much mess," he replied.

"I knew that," said Tin Man, stepping out from behind James, "I was just…demonstrating what to do if we really _were_ confronted by a dangerous creature."

"_Right_…anyway, what do you want?" asked James.

"I was going to go see the Wizard. The Enchanted Forest Library has been broken into five times this month alone. Something needs to be done. That and I need a map. One to help me find the secret cave where I hid my stash of chocolate. I forgot where it is."

"Oh, fair enough. We're going to the Wizard too. Want to come with us?" asked James.

The Werewolf looked at the trio; the black-haired boy in a dress and red heels, the drunken Tin Man, and a scarecrow with no shoes, still curled up in a ball. Werewolf shrugged. He could be travelling with worse company.

"I guess." The Werewolf said hesitantly, "But don't you think of doing anything unlawful."

James was immediately reminded of his friend Remus. Strange how he didn't pick up on that with the whole 'being a werewolf' thing.

"Is he gone?" asked Scarecrow, still in a ball.

"Lets just leave before anything else happens. I want to get back in time for dinner," said James.

And so the group continued down the Yellow Brick Road, with the ever-faithful Nimbo trailing behind.

"I could really use some sort of device in which to create a distraction with AND cause people to run away screaming at the same time," said Tin Man.

"Maybe the Wizard will have something like that," suggested James.

"I hope he has shoes. I like shoes. Did you know that there are over – "

"I hope you're not planning on using the device to break any rules, because that is wrong," scolded Werewolf.

"And the largest collection of shoes belongs to –"

"What was that?" asked James.

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**And that is chapter 5. I wrote this one! ;D i hope you are already familier with The Wizard of Oz, becasue this fic may be confusing if you're not. But the Wizard of Oz is such a classic, i havn't met anyone who hasn't seen it. **

**I hope you people are enjoying the fic. and weither you do ro not it is kind of irrelevent becasue my bud and i are having too much fun writing it that we'll keep posting until the very end. **

**And now it's discombobulated.shoe.'s turn. Lets see how you deal with the cliffhanger!**

**If you have taken the time to read, please take the time to review. **

**R&R**

**thanking you all in advance, **

**Tiger-Cub684**


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